I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
