she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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