last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
