ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Two words: blizzard sex
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
