covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You took a bar mat shot.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
