I am in a vortex of obligation.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
