I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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