Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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