Why are handjobs necessary in class?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
