im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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