had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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