I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
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