apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
