you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
