I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
