I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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