I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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