i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
