turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
