I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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