There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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