Don't you send me to vm
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
