Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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