I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
