apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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