He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
