everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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