no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
