Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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