You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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