im six kinds of drunk right now
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
