I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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