Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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