She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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