The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
