Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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