I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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