The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
