I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
