i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
