My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
now i know why i became what i already was.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
