Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
