Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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