I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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