Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
