she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
