Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
