you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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