I will die if light touches me.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
