I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
