I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
