I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
